Numb

Complete emptiness. I found out my parents were getting divorced, and my only reaction was to wonder why my brother’s were crying. I already knew it was coming, how could they not have known? I seem to have just zoomed out in my mind and connected myself to what I considered reality. This reality was one in which nothing touches me. There aren’t any emotions so that means there is no pain.
Being hurt, crying, simply not understanding; it’s just not my way of viewing things. I could see my little brother crying. I almost seemed to connect to his pain, the more I tried to feel and understand the less human I felt. Why am I like that? I think it probably has to do with the time my mother told me my grandmother was going to die. It was enough for me to not want to be associated with pain anymore. Every time I feel my walls are about to let someone in I zoom into my world and barricade them from coming in. I believe that if you ever begin to care for someone they will either leave you or betray you. That is why I don’t take that risk. It’s my way of protecting myself.
This has been proven to me time and time again, every time my so called friends begin to understand the real me I feel that they can somehow use it against me. The only slight connection I have ever felt to emotions is laughter. I think this is the only way of viewing life or at least if the glass is half empty I don’t have to think about where that is leading to, all I know is that I have to find a way of not feeling anything when it is completely gone.
Some admit their hearts are evil, others are saints, and I’m just in the middle; in limbo. Why do I have such a hard time writing an essay, it’s probably because my true emotions are hidden under massive layers that even I have a hard time getting to them. The last time I probably had a mere connection to sadness was at my grandmother’s funeral, seeing my best friend Lucy, there just wanting to support me and help me deal with my pain. What pain? That unbearable feeling of not having my grandmother the one who used to understand me better than anybody not be there. The only one who would come and get me in the middle of the night because my brothers were being mean and didn’t want to include me in their boy games. The tears strolled down and a real friend was there to grab me and hug me until everything finally came out. My feeling were there bare naked. It felt weird, I almost felt human. To me it was another lifetime. I know someday I will show these feelings, because I understand they will always be there deep inside me. I’m not ready to bring them out. To let the world know Chelsea, the fragile one. That is why this class troubles me, because it’s a class based on emotions, and I’m always trying to reach the level peers. Everybody seems to always carry their hearts on their sleeves, and I wonder why would they do that? Why do they want to feel pain? Put the walls back up and take a step back, that’s my advice to all of you.